Is it worth it?

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Quarter-life Crisis

I think I’m in the middle of a quarter-life crisis. I’m partial to the term mid-mid-life crisis, but I think the proper terminology is quarter-life crisis.

To help me give adequate background information for this post, here is an excerpt from my autobiography which I began writing in April of 2014:

“My name is River and I’m 24 years old. Since I was in high school, I’ve always had my life planned out. I was going to get married and start a family by the time I was 25. Okay, so it’s not an intricate, exuberant, or even a difficult goal to accomplish, but it’s all I’ve ever wanted out of my life, if I did anything at all. Sure, I had other dreams – I wanted to be a teacher, a singer, a nurse, an author, and even an actress; but none of that mattered to me if it didn’t work out. It was cool to dream about, but all I wanted out of my life was to be a mother and have at least a somewhat normal family, to have someone look up to me and call me mom. My life hasn’t been the easiest and I’ve really started to think deeply about it since I’ll be turning 25 in just three months.”

This is the very first paragraph of my book that’s being released in August of this year, 2015. I’m turning 26 in two weeks and it’s really starting to depress me. I made myself believe that even though I was 25 and still not married that I had a whole year with my devoted boyfriend to get married and start a family together. I like to think I’m a pretty realistic individual so I don’t need a big wedding right now knowing we can’t afford it. Simply getting our marriage licenses and getting all the legal stuff taken care of would be more than enough for me.

What’s standing in my way, you ask? My boyfriend, actually. He says that I have a really unrealistic view of what a relationship should be, that he will never be able to meet my standards, he’s not sure he wants to deal with my ‘stupid and immature bullshit’ the rest of his life, and just isn’t sure it’s going to work out between us so he doesn’t want to commit and get married so it will be difficult for us to split up if that is what our future holds.

His version of my ‘stupid and immature bullshit’ is calling him out when he lies to me. Neither of us is perfect and we haven’t had the easiest relationship together. We’ve both wronged the other but we’ve always pulled through and worked out our differences. We’ve made mistakes. His mistake he likes to make all the time is flirting with other girls via text. He never does it in person when I’m around so I don’t know if he does it behind my back or while he’s at work. I haven’t caught him in that yet.

I saw him deleting text messages from someone right in front of me and he lied about it. Me making a big deal about him lying to me when he believes he has done nothing wrong is his version of my ‘immature and stupid bullshit’. He will never believe he has done anything wrong in these instances because he makes the excuse that he is only joking so it shouldn’t be a big deal. Yet, he knows I hate it and will lie to me rather than tell me the truth when I catch him. Not to mention how pissed of he gets when I used to do that, too.

At least I’m realistic in the fact a couple will fight. You can’t avoid it. Two different people will have differing opinions. Put two people together that are stubborn and as pig-headed as they come, like us, and there is no way we won’t ever fight. He thinks that a relationship shouldn’t be hard – that you shouldn’t have to work at all – and that two people shouldn’t fight as much as we tend to. To me, that is completely unrealistic when he knows how opinionated and stubborn we both are. Even if we should fight less, all relationships require work. Friendships even require work, why would an intimate relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend require some sort of work?

Either way, his attitude towards me and the fact I’m not going to reach my life goal of being married and starting a family by the age of 25 (or at the age of 25 as I resigned myself to), has made me seriously question whether it’s worth it. Not with life, I don’t mean I’m so depressed I’m thinking of killing myself because I’m not. I just mean with him. I almost feel like I’ve just wasted the (soon-to-be) 4 years with him and it’s never going to go any further.

I know logically what I would tell someone in my situation and I’ve tried to reason with myself; he has proven that he isn’t going to take that final step and commit completely, for the rest of our lives, and that he doesn’t want to. It’s hard because I love him and I know he loves me in his strange and non-conformist way.

Hence the mid-mid-life crisis. Do I push on with him and just hope for the best when it comes to our future? Or do I cut my loses and find someone who wants what I want? I’ve thought about it over and over for the past month or two and I’m as indecisive as ever. I guess I’m hoping my birthday will bring me some clarity. Another year older, another year wiser, right?

(By the way, the picture is not the actual cover to my book, it’s just something I had a friend put together when I was writing it to try and market the thing myself :P)

Sleepy

I haven’t posted a blog in what feels like forever so here’s a blog post from me to you! My lovely readers and friends πŸ™‚

It’s been really difficult for me to find time to post as of late because of how tired I’ve been all the time. In fact, yesterday I took off half way into my day at work. I got home around 1pm and slept my day away until about 7pm. I was only awake two hours before I fell back to sleep for the night. THEN, I slept until about 2pm and was only awake for about 6 hours before going back to sleep again for the night. So I’ve been awake for about 8 hours the past day and a half.

I’m not sure when I could have found time to post a blog but I feel like I should have had time for you, my dear friends!

Oh well. Here’s a post for everyone since I’ve missed you all.

I was sleepy before this sleep-fest happened and I’m still sleepy, just not nearly as much as I was beforehand.

That’s all I have for now. (Yes, that picture is me trying to stay awake at work on Tuesday before I decided to go home.)

Literary Magazines

Can you have a short story published in more than one literary magazine? I don’t really know the rules lol. Quick responses would be amazing and greatly appreciated πŸ™‚ You are all wonderful people ❀

Literary Agent…

I need one! Anyone think they can hook me up? (I’m not sure why I said ‘hook me up’ since that isn’t part of my normal conversations ever, but oh well…) I can send them the manuscript of the book that’s in the works with my publisher right now as well as many started novels I’m working on…Do any of you have an agent I can contact or what have you? I’m getting frustrated and nervous because I’m worried my publisher is going to try and rip me off…plus help with marketing would be nice. No, I have no idea if an agent would actually help with that. I just know having an agent would help me.

Thank you my lovely friends!!! πŸ™‚

Marketing

Hey friends and fellow bloggers. I think I’ve mentioned this before but my publisher wants me to self-market me and my book while they are working on getting it published – before it is released. Well, I don’t really know the first thing about marketing but I’ve been doing my best. I have no idea if I’m doing well or not lol. I have a twitter and facebook page but I am having a hard time getting likes on facebook. Twitter is okay, but I don’t feel like I have the right followers for what I need. Below I’ve included links to all my social networking things. If you can take a look and give me some advice, I would appreciate it. Also follow me/like my page if you would be so kind. The more people helping me the more I’ll be able to help people with my autobiography out in the world for people to read.

It only takes a few minutes to look at everything and it would mean more to me than I can express. You are all wonderful people and I’m honored to have you reading my blog, and to have the pleasure of reading yours as well πŸ™‚

https://www.facebook.com/RiverReiHayden

https://twitter.com/RiverHayden1

http://riverrei.tumblr.com/

https://www.facebook.com/becomingasurvivor (this is specifically for my autobiography)

https://instagram.com/riverrei/

http://www.blogher.com/myprofile/samantharandom

That’s all I have. Hopefully this is sufficient. My wordpress blog is on the list for social networking too, but I thought it would be silly to list it here lol. Thanks friends πŸ™‚