Quote of the Day, 7/31/15

“But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is not about protecting them. This book isn’t about how it will affect them. It is about how their actions affected me and how I want to write the story, and and how I want to heal from the damage they caused.” -River Hayden, an excerpt from my autobiography, The Road to Becoming a Survivor

News: I have a soft release date for the book, but I’m not going to announce it until I have the go-ahead from my publisher. Stay tuned!!! 🙂

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Quote Day!!!

“I wish there was more I could say, a different way to explain it, so that you could understand, but unfortunately I cannot force anyone to change their opinions or state of mind. A belief is more difficult to change than an idea.” -River Hayden, an excerpt/quote from my autobiography, The Road to Becoming a Survivor

The Reality of being Underpaid and Overworked

I’ve been the sole financial provider for the family for the better part of a year now. Thanks to my boyfriend’s school loans, and money he received from the government we used to get each month, we were doing really well for once. We didn’t have to worry too much about whether our bills were going to get paid or not, only had to wonder whether we would have enough gas in the car. Well, with it being summer, we have no loan money to fall back on left and the money he gets from the government is quickly spent, especially with having to take care of 3 children between the ages of 10 and 14.

It seems that no matter how careful we are something always falls between the cracks. What I’m surprised about is that we actually went negative this month. We haven’t gone negative in a very long time so it’s hitting me hard. Not being on my medication right now isn’t helping, but it is still a rather devastating situation emotionally with how much effort goes into making sure we make it from paycheck to paycheck.

Of course, when something happens there are always other things that go with it. Not only are we negative, but I don’t have enough gas to get me through to payday. If I can’t do that I have to take a “sick” day since I can’t drive to work. Well, I don’t have any PTO left so having that day unpaid will make the next paycheck a bit short causing more problems in the future. It’s a ridiculous snowball effect.

Most people have resources to go to (not all do, but some), even if they don’t want to; a friend or a parent that is willing to help out even a little bit. I don’t have any of that. My family is either just as poor as I am, or extremely stingy and won’t ever lend me money. Even if I say I’m going to pay them back they will not help me out. Friends I don’t care because I don’t want money from friends. I don’t even like borrowing money from anyone. It bugs the crap out of me asking for help and taking someone else’s money, but even more of a slap in the face when your family can’t/refuses. Either way, I have no one to help me which makes me feel completely helpless and small.

I keep waiting for something good to finally happen so that we never have to worry about whether we are going to pay our bills every month, or whether we’ll have enough gas in the car, or enough food to last us the week. I used to buy scratch-off tickets in the hopes karma will be on my side and I would win enough to be rid of all my debt so I could, at the very least, start over but there has been no room in the budget for such luxuries. Which is silly since I have a full-time job that pays more than I’ve ever gotten paid before. Of course, this is my first job that pays more than minimum wage…

Here’s to hoping everything works out in the end. All I can do is take it one day at a time and try to get buy with what we have. Please pray for me, my boyfriend, and the kids.

Morbid humor time: it’s so funny to me thinking that if only I had $20 we would be okay. Find it off of the street or in a pair of jeans I haven’t worn in a while…only $20 and we would have no issues making it until Friday. Frustrates me so much thinking about it that I just have to laugh because of how ridiculous it is. No one can help me and all it would take is $20…

(Disclaimer: No I’m not asking or begging for money, merely posting a blog about my life showing how hard it can be as a middle-class individual struggling to get by from paycheck to paycheck.)

Food for Thought.

“I may not be fully healed yet, not even close, but maybe someday my story will help and be inspirational to other women out there.” -River Hayden, an excerpt from my autobiography, The Road to Becoming a Survivor, set to release next month!

Lovely Blog Award ACCEPTED!!! <3

Thank you For the Soul (https://tashab95.wordpress.com/) for the award!!! I’m honored and overjoyed! 😀

So, 7 facts about me…
1. I type really, really fast. I know that this isn’t a huge feat nowadays, but I’m really proud of the fact that I can type super fast with very few errors. It makes life on the computer much easier lol.

2. I have a pebble stuck in my right elbow after a rollerblading accident. I didn’t dig it out when I was cleaning the wound about 12 or 13 years ago now, because I thought it was just swelling or a bump from falling. Now the wound has healed and scarred and the bump is still there. If you poke at it and play with it, you can tell it’s a little pebble embedded in my skin.

3. I’m a survivor of sexual assault. It’s still hard for me to talk about but it’s part of my past and has made me who I am today so I can’t ignore it. I’m proud of who I am so denying what helped me become me is similar to denying a part of myself. I am a survivor and I’m proud that I’ve overcome my struggles, even if new struggles are fought on a daily basis.

4. I’m a World of Warcraft addict. I’m not so bad that when I have to unsubscribe for a month (due to lack of funds) I don’t pitch a hissy fit over it, but I do spend most of my free time on it. In fact, I would probably have Disappeared finished by now if I didn’t have WoW distracting me all the time. I’ve met a lot of great people on the game though so I can’t hate my addiction or abandon my friends 🙂 (all excuses but still!)

5. I love watching Netflix with my boyfriend. We don’t even have to be cuddling. Cuddling is always a plus, but just getting to spend time watching something we both enjoy is awesome to me. Even if he is sitting in his recliner and I’m writing while we’re watching something, I feel complete. Right now we are re-watching Fringe!

6. I feel a huge sense of accomplishment knowing I’m only 26 years old and I have a book about to be published next month. I know that other authors have had work published earlier in their life, but on average authors are in their 30’s or older when they become published others. What offsets this is how frustrated I get not being able to write more books in a shorter amount of time. It took me almost a year to finish my autobiography and I want to be like Jennifer Armentrout – shoving out 4 to 6 books a year. I know that I have a different writing style so if I want my work to be good and do well I need to just work at my own pace. However, it’s still discouraging seeing how fast she can write books. Still love her work though!

7. I’m messier than I would like to admit. My boyfriend tells me constantly to clean off and reorganize my nightstand/table and clothes basket. It doesn’t seem that bad to me but when I start cleaning it off, I realize how bad it really is. It’s not gross, there isn’t mold growing on it or anything, but there tends to be zebra cake wrappers, cups, or empty water bottles that should really be taken care of lol.

I guess the next part is to nominate other bloggers! Here are my nominations:

http://poeticice.com/
http://dreambigdreamoften.co/
http://psychologistmimi.com/
http://surprisinglives.net/
https://robynchristi.wordpress.com/
https://milfordstreet.wordpress.com/
https://wafflemethis.wordpress.com/
https://lifeofmon.wordpress.com/
https://leafandtwig.wordpress.com/
https://insanitybeautiful.wordpress.com/
https://butismileanyway.wordpress.com/
https://rantingalong.wordpress.com/
https://writerchick.wordpress.com/
https://twinklespark.wordpress.com/
http://belikewaterproduction.com/

The instructions are simple:
1. Thank your nominator, if you’d like 🙂
2. List 7 facts about you
3. Nominate 15 blogs for the award

If you’d like, have a look at some of these blogs!

The Struggle is Real

So it’s been a total of 5 days since I’ve stopped taking my medication. As the title of this entry says, the struggle is very real. Over the past couple days I have noticed the effects of my medication wearing off and I’m having a hard time coping with it. I feel really disconnected and more moody than usual. I’m on edge because of my anxiety being back in full force, and yet I’m sleepy, unmotivated, and don’t want to even get out of bed or do anything because of the depression. Even now I’m having difficulty finding the motivation to keep writing this post and finish it.

The worst part about it all is admitting to myself that I’m struggling. I’m trying to be an advocate for healing after suffering sexual assault and other trauma (especially with my autobiography being released next month), but I feel like admitting I still have weak moments myself will make it difficult for others to find solace, inspiration, and truth in my story. For me, to be a true survivor I feel like I shouldn’t have small relapses like this and never feel weak anymore.

In reality, though, I’m only human. We all have weak moments so I know I need to just push that aside and disregard it, but it is so difficult right now since I’ve been off my medication. I’m thinking that I’m only feeling this way because of stopping my medication cold turkey and this is my body’s way of trying to compensate for that. Hopefully I’ll be okay again in a few days. All I know is I’m not coping very well.

Until then, though, it would be great if I could have your support. I don’t normally reach out, especially when I’m feeling vulnerable and weak, but I’m trying new things since I know I’m not the only one going through these sort of struggles. I really don’t want to seem like I’m whining or just doing this to get attention though; I think that’s my biggest fear when it comes to asking for support. I’ve been told I only want attention so often that I’m terrified to ask for support and help.

Either way, I want to thank you for reading this. Here is me going out on a limb and asking for some support in my time of weakness so thank you in advance for any support given. I’m not the best at showing my appreciation so please don’t be offended if you feel like I don’t appreciate you or any help you offer. I promise I do appreciate it, I just suck at expressing it.

Done with Citalopram

So I’ve decided to stop taking my medication for a while. I’ve been taking it for almost two years straight now and never knew what the possible worrisome side-effects were. I’ve been gaining weight at a rapid and seemingly uncontrollable rate to the point where the stretch marks are hideous and continue to show up when I have been trying to work out and control the weight gain. I know that I should consult my doctor before doing that but I don’t have the time to go in and talk to her. So, wish me luck. Hopefully I’m not too moody as the drugs slowly get out of my system.

If you’re curious, these are the symptoms to worry about with Citalopram/Celexa (found on http://www.drugs.com/sfx/citalopram-side-effects.html):

You should check with your doctor immediately if any of these side effects occur when taking citalopram:

Less common

  • Agitation
  • blurred vision
  • confusion
  • fever
  • increase in the frequency of urination or amount of urine produced
  • lack of emotion
  • loss of memory
  • menstrual changes
  • skin rash or itching
  • trouble breathing

Rare

  • Behavior change similar to drunkenness
  • bleeding gums
  • breast tenderness or enlargement or unusual secretion of milk (in females)
  • chills
  • convulsions (seizures)
  • diarrhea
  • difficulty with concentrating
  • dizziness or fainting
  • drowsiness
  • increased hunger
  • increased thirst
  • irregular heartbeat
  • lack of energy
  • lethargy
  • nosebleed
  • overactive reflexes
  • painful urination
  • poor coordination
  • purple or red spots on the skin
  • rapid weight gain
  • red or irritated eyes
  • redness, tenderness, itching, burning, or peeling of the skin
  • shivering
  • slow or irregular heartbeat (less than 50 beats per minute)
  • sore throat
  • stupor
  • sweating
  • swelling of the face, ankles, or hands
  • talking or acting with excitement you cannot control
  • trembling, shaking, or twitching
  • trouble with holding or releasing urine
  • unusual or sudden body or facial movements or postures
  • unusual tiredness or weakness

Incidence not known

  • Abdominal or stomach pain
  • back or leg pains
  • black, tarry stools
  • bloating
  • bloody stools
  • chest pain
  • confusion as to time, place, or person
  • constipation
  • cough
  • darkened urine
  • difficult or fast breathing
  • difficulty with swallowing
  • drooling
  • fast, slow, or irregular heartbeat
  • general body swelling
  • hive-like swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, or throat
  • hives
  • holding false beliefs that cannot be changed by fact
  • impaired consciousness, ranging from confusion to coma
  • indigestion
  • itching, puffiness or swelling of the eyelids or around the eyes, face, lips, or tongue
  • loss of appetite
  • loss of bladder control
  • loss of consciousness
  • muscle cramps or spasms
  • muscle tightness
  • muscle twitching or jerking
  • pale skin
  • penile erections, frequent or continuing
  • recurrent fainting
  • rhythmic movement of the muscles
  • seeing, hearing, or feeling things that are not there
  • swelling of the breasts or unusual milk production
  • tenderness, pain, swelling, warmth, skin discoloration, and prominent superficial veins over the affected area
  • tightness in the chest
  • total body jerking
  • twitching, twisting, uncontrolled repetitive movements of the tongue, lips, face, arms, or legs
  • uncontrolled jerking or twisting movements
  • unusual excitement
  • vomiting of blood or material that looks like coffee grounds
  • yellowing of the eyes or skin

Some of the side effects that can occur with citalopram may not need medical attention. As your body adjusts to the medicine during treatment these side effects may go away. Your health care professional may also be able to tell you about ways to reduce or prevent some of these side effects. If any of the following side effects continue, are bothersome or if you have any questions about them, check with your health care professional:

More common

  • Decrease in sexual desire or ability
  • sleepiness or unusual drowsiness

Less common

  • Body aches or pain
  • change in sense of taste
  • gas
  • headache (severe and throbbing)
  • heartburn
  • increased sweating
  • increased yawning
  • loss of voice
  • pain in the muscles or joints
  • sneezing
  • stuffy or runny nose
  • tingling, burning, or prickly feelings on the skin
  • tooth grinding
  • unusual increase or decrease in weight
  • watering of the mouth

Incidence not known

  • Bruising
  • inability to sit still
  • large, flat, blue or purplish patches in the skin
  • need to keep moving
  • uncontrolled eye movements

Poll!

I’m having issues picking a cute/memorable pet name for Disappeared. I want it to also be original. I’m stuck between two: Rea, and Snowfly. Which do you think would be best for my book? Which would you like to see more?

Thank you for your insight! I appreciate it 😀